


Fear and Grief

by jolivira



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Rewrite, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Headcanon, and like emotional whump, the doctor snaps, tiny bit of Thasmin, very subtle tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-03 03:59:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17276672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jolivira/pseuds/jolivira
Summary: During times when the events simply took too big of a toll on the Doctor's mind, she can't help but vocalize and show how truly broken she feels inside. Her new companions, more specifically Yaz, try to help where they can but not much is known about the Doctor herself.aka 13's dark side is showing and this is my take on how the doctor would have snapped in season 11





	1. woman who fell

_ Chapter One _

 

Yaz was already on the ground, waiting for Ryan as he slowly progressed down the crane. The Doctor seemed to just have reached the top of the ladders safely with Karl. It was incredibly late but, thankfully, not very cold.

 

Despite the night filled with life threatening dangers and the constant fear running through their veins, there was still one detail that lingered: Ryan and Yaz couldn’t help but smile. The same feeling of joy and exhilaration once they realized that crazy women, the Doctor they had heard her saying, had really saved them.

 

Yaz assisted Ryan on the last few steps as they both silently agreed to wait for their new friend. The alien (?) that had fallen from the sky, no name, no documents, no records. Just ‘the doctor’. They hadn’t started questioning things yet though, their minds were just catching up with the events from the last hours. For now, Yaz could only pinpoint a feeling of unease hanging on the back of her head.

 

The Doctor was on the last bits of the ladder, her whole body was buzzing with energy, completely entrailing Yaz. She jumped down, taking a deep breath as she laid her hands on her hips. The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds, until Ryan bravely spoke:

 

“How did you even do that?” He was breathing a little hard, probably from trying to get down the ladders too quickly.

 

“Ah, you know. Almost 2000 years of running away and crashing into stuff will teach you how to get down ladders quickly. Or how to fall from them and only break one arm. Also! I might have had a lot of sugar in the past few hours, at least more than I should’ve.”

 

Yaz opened her mouth to question the ‘2000 years’ part but was cut off as the Doctor continued on her weird rant:

 

“I guess it actually depends on what you consider ‘a lot’. For humans three pots are ‘a lot’ but again, depends on the person. Ah! It just feels so nice to be me again. I mean, not exactly me, but  _ me _ … yeah… ” She nodded at them, big grin on her face, very satisfied with her words somehow.

 

Ryan was the first one to have a decent reaction. He ran towards the base of the other crane, probably to check on Grace and Graham. Yaz looked up from her feet and sent a sheepish look at the Doctor’s direction, curiosity and wonder mixing up. She felt her cheeks growing slightly warmer as the two made eye contact that lasted for just a little more than a second.

 

The Doctor’s eyes were bright, shining along with the stars. She opened her mouth excitedly, ready to start rambling on more impossible things no one here would understand. But then something caught her attention. Her face was becoming more neutral by the second, her smile being the first one to go, slowly dissolving into darkness. A deep unexpected apprehension took root in her features.

 

All the energy, all the happiness vanished in a single glance of those eyes. Not sadness, but she couldn’t tell exactly what.

 

Yasmin looked around, turning from one side to another, to see if there was anything dangerous close to them to cause that reaction.

 

Was that… was someone crying?

 

They both ran towards the whimpering until they were close enough to recognize the figures. The scene they arrived at was plain horrible: Grace’s body was laying flat on the ground, Graham was kneeled down and Ryan seemed to have fallen down just beside her.

 

It didn’t take much for the two women to figure out what had happened.

“Is… is she…” Yaz couldn’t gather the courage to finish that sentence.

 

Graham was the one to notice their approach, he closed his eyes deeply into sorrow. He slowly got up and distanced himself from the body slightly; Graham lifted his hands to his face as his shoulders visibly started to quiver.

 

“No. No no no no.” the Doctor was standing a few steps behind Yaz. She was standing completely still, abruptly stopping once she realized the reason for the crying. Just beside her, she could feel the Doctor’s body exploding with energy, but so,  _ so _ much different from before.

 

“This was NOT supposed to happen. No.  _ NO _ .”

 

Oh. Yaz finally understood. It was rage.

 

The Doctor kneeled down where Graham had been and her fingers raced to Grace’s neck, desperately looking for any sign of life she grab onto. Any trace of hope she could find.

 

“Grace… No no no, please.”

 

Yaz felt a painful tug on her stomach as reality started to sink in. There would be no pulse, Grace had broken her spine in half. Ryan’s crying was becoming louder as the seconds passed, dissipating any possible rational thought.

 

The Doctor eyed him with worry in her eyes, breathing becoming heavy. She started to check her pockets compulsively, rummaging through the scrapped and burnt coat, looking for an inexistent device that could magically fix the situation.

 

“Doctor, stop it!!” Ryan’s voice was shaking so much, as if every word was punching him in the gut. “She’s dead!!”

 

Yaz reached for both of them, shielding her emotions as she was taught to do with the police, trying to take control of the situation. No panic. She laid her hand on the Doctor’s back who violently flinched away.

 

“NO. DON’T TOUCH ME!”

 

Her shouting was so unexpected it made Yaz trip over her own feet. She stepped away as fast as she could. How could this be the same person from before? How could she have become so scary in such a short period of time?

 

The Doctor’s voice was laced with raw power and strength when she spoke again, after a few seconds of sincere shock had went by:

 

“You  _ can’t _ understand. Three people have died tonight. Now… I have to add Grace to that list.”

 

Her eyes were heavy; she also wasn’t able to focus anywhere for more than a second, her hands at her side started to fidget, palm opening and fingers moving quickly. She then closed them into tight fists, still looking down:

 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not on my watch. Not- not again…“ 

 

Seeing as she was the only one able to move, Yaz tried her best to incarnate the police officer she was training to be. She fished her phone from her coat, already dialing the number from the top of her head:

 

“I’m going to call someone to take the body… Doctor, listen to me. It wasn’t your fault those people died. It’s going to be-” 

 

“NO! NO, IT WON’T!” the Doctor interrupted her, easily getting Ryan and Graham’s attention. She stood up, forehead tense and nose scrunched. “I was supposed to save everyone. That’s  _ my _ job,  _ my _ duty to care and only  _ mine! _ ” She accentuated the words, angrily gesturing with her hands. She paused but the atmosphere gave no space for any of them to reply.

 

“I am just so bloody tired. Every. Time. Every  _ single _ time! The harder I try the worse it gets. The more careful I am, the bigger the stakes become. The more I get attached the faster I lose them.” Her rage slowed down as she finished the last sentence, but still dripping with rancor.

 

Lips trembling, Yaz saw the Doctor taking a few steps away from the body, respectfully. The Doctor firmly pressed her palms to her face, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. A deep sigh; the calmness before the storm.

 

“She shouldn’t have done this… Nobody should besides me…… WHY CAN’T YOU HUMANS UNDERSTAND THAT?” the Doctor furiously turned her body around to face the three of them, the shouting startling them all for the second time.

 

Her arms fell numbly to her sides as the Doctor looked up directly to the stars. “Why do I have to keep going through this? Why do I keep making myself go through this over and over and over again?”

 

They watched her wide-eyed as the Doctor seemed to have run out of energy altogether. She walked a little further from them and proceeded to sit down on the dirt, crossing her legs and leaning all her weight on her elbows on her knees. Yaz could see her sorrow and, although she didn’t understand it yet, she  _ knew _ how much it was hurting.

 

She looked back to check on Ryan and Graham and after silently nodding at them, Yaz walked carefully in the Doctor’s direction, both to give the boys more privacy and to try and give some sort of comfort to her.

 

Yaz picked her phone and, thankfully, it answered on the second beeping

 

“Hello, this is police officer Yasmin Khan… In the construction yard of 37th street, need transport. Only one… Thank you.” She sighed, relieved to stop faking the  neutrality in her voice.

 

Yaz finally sat down next to the Doctor, bending her knees up to her chest, the way she did when she was a little girl. A few minutes seemed to go by. The words that followed were barely audible whispers coming from her right:

 

“It’s Clara all over again. Every time they try to save the day, they try to act like me and this happens… I miss them… So, so much. And the worst is that I can’t stop, Yaz. I can’t stop running, trying to push it all behind, pretending I can ignore it all ever happened.”

 

Yaz remained silent as she simply didn’t know how she could possibly answer that. Graham and Ryan seemed to be paying attention to her monologue as well.

 

“I really miss them, you have no idea… Adric, Jenny, River. And there’s also all those that I never even met. Countless bodies I will  _ never _ know the names of…”

 

The Doctor was controlling herself, she wouldn’t start crying here. Not now, not so soon. She had a bright new start; a new face, another chance.

 

Her head hung low, she forced her eyes closed. Yaz held out her hand hesitantly and laid it on her back, for a second try. The Doctor didn’t flinch this time.

 

It took about thirty minutes until they came to take the body away. 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread this chapter a few times and decided to edit some stuff. I feel it's a lot better now, even though I think the Doctor is still too ooc. I'm probably going to edit chapter 2 as well before adding the next.  
> See ya! (✿◠‿◠)ﾉ


	2. takes away

_Chapter Two_

 

Graham had asked for a little of alone time to talk to Grace. Or at least talk to whatever it was that was impersonating his dead wife. Yaz had stayed behind with the Doctor and Hanne’s mom, Trine; they silently watched as the two walked towards the wooden bridge.

 

“That can’t be Grace, can it?”

 

“No.” the Doctor’s answer perfectly mirrored the weather in its austerity and coldness. She continued with the same tone only now looking at Trine “And you can’t be Erik’s wife.”

 

“I know, but… we are.” her response couldn’t have been more unsettling.

 

Yaz closely watched her friend, she could almost see the smoke coming out of her brain as it raced to find a plausible explanation, anything that could make sense in this context.

 

A different and unexpected voice came from behind them, catching them all by surprise:

 

“Just look at you.”

 

Yamin and Trine turned around to see who it was. The Doctor’s whole body froze instantly upon hearing the voice, feet steady on the ground and arms still. Her expression instantly changed, features becoming an unreadable kind of questioning frown. The woman was a little short, displaying red tinted lips and cheeks; her hair color was curiously similar to the Doctor’s, majorly blonde with dark and brown roots poking out.

 

This woman was completely focused on the Doctor as well, speaking directly and only to her. She also wore a bright pink jacket, Yaz guessed she must’ve been around 30 years old.

 

“Please, _please_ don’t do this to me.”

 

Her friend took a deep breath in and turned around slowly. Her brow frowned deeply in sadness once she finally looked at the blonde that stood right in front of them. She silently gulped and left mouth hanging slightly open, a few unsteady breaths later and she spoke:

 

“Rose.” the whisper came out almost painfully out of the Doctor’s throat. Yaz saw as she closed her fists and anxiously lifted them up to her chest, trying to give herself some comfort.

 

“Hello Doctor.” The woman smiled brightly with her teeth, her eyes lit up and she went back pressing her lips together with a dash of embarrassment. The Doctor took a few steps closer to her, still very attentive of her presence.

 

“How… How do you know that I’m him? And what are you even doing here?”

 

“You think I wouldn’t be able to recognize you? Of all people?” She said looking up.

 

It was Rose’s turn to get closer. The two seemed to be only a few inches apart now and the Doctor looked totally dazed, staring fixedly at her. Yaz quickly noticed, though, how Rose had ignored the second question and skepticism began to boil inside her:

 

“Doctor, who is this?”

 

Yaz tried getting her voice as firm as possible, to take the Doctor out of her trance. But it only worked a tiny bit. On the very least, it reminded her there were still other people there with them, watching the encounter.

 

The Doctor answered after a while, still physically incapable of taking her eyes off of Rose, not even for a second as if she was going to disappear in the next:

 

“This is… erm, this is a friend that used to travel with me. Rose, this is… this is Yaz. Yasmin. Yasmin Khan.”

 

Her voice sounded unusually shy, nervous even, taking by her facial expression and tone of voice. Yaz wondered if at the time when the Doctor ‘was him’ the two had dated or something like that. It would definitely justify their behaviour. She pushed the thought away.

 

“How long has it been? Ever since Bad Wolf bay?”

 

The question, even though had been spoken with a smile, had visibly hurt the Doctor as she proceeded to break the eye contact. Her eyes swiftly scanned the ground, analysing all the possible (and impossible given the situation) outcomes of answering. She returned to look at Rose eventually as she lifted her hands and gently clasped them to Rose’s own gloved ones:

 

“For me, at least one thousand years ever since that day. Donna… isn’t with me anymore either. For a long time now actually.” her sad and shaken smile didn’t last long. It dropped suddenly, as new thoughts started to run through her mind:

 

“No, but wait, this ain’t right. This can’t be _your_ parallel world… you can’t be the same Rose I left all those years ago. The odds are absurdly small.”

 

Rose let go of one of their held hands and cupped the Doctor’s cheek affectionately, murmuring:

 

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

 

The Doctor reached for Rose’s hand that cupped her cheek and held it tightly, double-checking that she was really flesh and bone. It almost got a chuckle out of her when she said:

 

“Yes, you are… It’s really you.”

 

They both smiled nostalgically at each other. Yaz felt like an intruder to their private moment. No, as a matter of fact, Yaz was growing more uncomfortable with each passing second. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. First was Grace, then this woman who the Doctor had been very obviously attached to? What the hell was going on here?

 

A tiny voice in the back of her mind kept insisting it was just her being jealous of the pair. She didn’t even like the Doctor _that_ way, so technically it couldn’t be jealousy. It didn’t matter. Yaz was just worried with the situation, they were in a parallel universe and they couldn’t forget Hanne (the reason they were here in the first place) was still in the real world, waiting for her dad to come back.

 

All the while, the Doctor seemed to be coming back to her normal bubbly self around Rose:

 

“Y’know, I got to see so much since then. I actually met Robin Hood, can you believe it?! I guess I owe you twenty quid now, huh… Life’s funny, that was one  I was certain was never gonna happen. OH!! And! And I almost drowned in the 1600s because they accused me of being a witch!”

 

Her smile was getting brighter now, eyes still very watery but excited and happy, nevertheless. Sadness still lingered in her features, but they were hiding away now.

 

Rose laughed along with her cheerfully. Almost too cheerful, Yaz thought. Ok, maybe _that_ counted as jealousy. Did it though? Maybe it was paranoia instead.

 

She watched as Rose tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her left ear and said:

 

“You’re amazing, Doctor. Oh, I missed you so much.”

 

“Yeah, I-” the Doctor began to answer but then she took an unexpected pause, her new formed smiled faltered a little. One of her eyebrows moved slightly upwards in questioning.

 

“No, but Rose, I’m not-...I’m not him. You have been through this before. You don’t know _this me_ yet.” Her smile turned to nervousness and her posture straightened, her body seemed to be tensing up upon each realization.

 

“What do you mean by that? You’re still… you. Still my Doctor.”

 

Rose looked up, catching the Doctor’s hand in hers again. Yaz felt her own heartbeat drumming louder in her ears. There was something very wrong here. And Graham still hadn’t got back, probably talking with ‘Grace’ in the same manner the Doctor was over here; incredulous and hopeful at the same time.

 

“No but, you can’t…” the Doctor was hesitant now, her expression became tighter and her hands started to fidget imperceptibly. “Rose, look, you reacted so differently when I changed before. And I’ve been through two lifetimes ever since I lost you, it’s not that simple. You don’t who I am now, you simply… can’t know. I’m- _I’m not the same person_.” she shook her head in doubt, the nervous smile making a comeback.

 

“I have changed too, Doctor, and that’s what you can’t see. I’ve grown up, I got more mature.”

 

Rose’s response persuaded the Doctor for a few of the following seconds. Yaz realized with a sudden ache in her gut that the Doctor was trying her hardest to believe what was going on; she desperately wanted to be convinced that _her_ Rose was there.

 

Yaz thought she should intervene before this got out of hand, whatever it was that was going on. She opened her mouth but, by a magical coincidence, another new voice beat her to catching the Doctor’s attention:

 

“Guess I should start calling you ‘raggedy woman’ now?”

 

A strong scottish accent and a glimpse of orange hair. They all turned to look at her. This woman was a lot taller than all of them, she was also wearing combat boots, black leggins and a green buttoned flannel shirt. She grinned wickedly and got closer, a lot more straightforward than Rose had been, for sure.

 

“Amelia… You- you’re here too?” The Doctor was too stunned to say anything else, this time not even bothering to introduce them. She closed the distance between them with some quick strides, letting go of Rose’s hand.

 

They hugged warmily, Yaz saw the Doctor’s eyes closing tightly in relief.

 

“Amy.”

 

“Look at your hair! I like it. And you finally ditched the bow tie.”

 

Amy (apparently her nickname) had a very different way of behaving around the Doctor. Instead of an ex-girlfriend like Rose, she acted more like a little sister or the annoying cousin everyone had. And although the Doctor was smiling more with Amelia’s presence, she also looked to be dangerously close to tearing up.

 

Yaz still could not figure out what it all meant, for a moment she wanted to bang her head on the wooden wall until some kind of answer fell out. She backed away and recalled everything that had happened. Grace had been waiting for Graham when they got here, then Rose had appeared for the Doctor and, as soon as her presence started being questioned, another one of the Doctor’s friends just appeared out of thin air.

 

That was when the realization hit her. Someone was trying to make them want to stay, by using their loved ones. That was what the Doctor had felt earlier before deciding to ignore it: the sensation of falling into a trap.

 

Yaz gathered all the courage that she had left and exclaimed loudly at them:

 

“Doctor, I’m not sure we should be here. Hanne and Ryan are still-” she had started out politely when the ginger woman, Amelia, interrupted her, successfully regaining her friend’s attention:

 

“You never forgot us did you, Doctor? After all these years.”

 

The Doctor seemed taken back by the question, but took the bait. Scrunching her forehead and nose like she had a habit of doing, before answering:

 

“What? No, of course I didn’t. I mean, ever since Manhattan…” And there it was again. The faint smile weakened a little, her excitement was slipping and concern started to take its place. ”Amy, hold on… where’s Rory? Why isn’t he here?”

 

Now it was Amy’s turn to look stunned. She hesitated for a few moments, shaking her head as if disregarding the question. Then she shrugged with her shoulders  and answered, never looking away from the Doctor’s eyes:

 

“I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter, does it? I came here to see you.”

 

Amy smiled brightly as the Doctor’s face was only grimacing more and more as time went by. Her eyes were redder than before but they displayed a different type of sadness. Yaz had seen this expression before, back when they had first met, and therefore she knew. The Doctor was beginning to grow upset with the situation and Yaz really didn’t want to see things get ugly again.

 

“It doesn’t matter? How can you say something like that? It’s not really you, is it? You died years ago in New York.”

 

“I know all of that you are saying, Doctor. I remember it, all of it. New York, the angels, River, everything. But you’re just surprised to see us and not thinking properly. Now stop rambling on this stupid stuff, alright? Let’s just enjoy the time we have.”

 

Amy’s tone was light hearted, but the Doctor wasn’t taking her excuses anymore:

 

“No, you would never leave Rory behind. Not even in a parallel world where you survive. You would never do that, Amy.”

 

She then turned to look at Rose. Her anger dissipated instantly as true grief began to settle in. The Doctor was starting to realize the weight of her words and what she was getting into. Her voice faltered when she said:

 

“And you. You should be with him, the meta-crisis.” a silent sob interrupted whatever her next words were going to be. The Doctor tried to swallow it down, but she was already beginning to fall apart.

 

Yaz approached slowly, half anxious and half in shock. She had never seen the Doctor crying before and it was time to take action. She put her hand on the Doctor’s shoulder, reminded of the first time she tried to comfort her friend.

 

“Doctor, listen to me. They aren’t really here. You know what is happening, you already figured it out a while ago. You just don’t want to acknowledge it.” Yaz glanced hesitantly at the Doctor’s old fiends before continuing. “The same way we know it’s not really Grace there with Graham. We went to her funeral, we saw her body. You said it yourself, _it’s not her_. I’m really sorry you lost them, Doctor, but they aren’t Rose and Amelia. I know you are still grieving their loss and I’m sorry. But this is a trap for you.”

 

As soon as she spoke it, Amy lifted her right palm and Yaz felt her existence itself being pushed away. With a jolt of pain on her back, she opened her eyes in the anti-zone.

 

//////

 

Yaz was sat down cross-legged on the floor, her face was tiredly leaned on her hand, elbow digging in her knee with the weight. Erik was sitting on the bed with his daughter while Graham had went downstairs to tell Ryan what he had seen in the pocket universe. That was going to be an awkward conversation.

 

It took 2 hours of waiting until the Doctor finally appeared. She walked out of the mirror with a grunt and immediately turned to close the portal behind her. Yaz got up excitedly but stopped dead in her tracks once she finally laid eyes at the Doctor’s face.

 

Her eyes, usually so big, bright and full of life, were small and red. Shining as always but this time it had been caused by sadness, instead of wonder. To say she had been crying wouldn’t do its justice, it was like the Doctor had her head plunged in a bucket full of onions for the last two hours. Her posture was also stiff, her shoulders were bending inwards and her chin was practically resting on her chest. She glanced at Yaz’s figure for half of a second and saw her rudely staring.

 

The Doctor looked away and sighed deeply, lifting a palm to rub at her eye, absentmindedly; loss and emptiness shadowed her features.

 

A full minute went by before any of them moved. The Doctor carefully turned and started to walk in her direction. Once she was close enough, Yaz extended her arms and hugged the Doctor tightly, not knowing what else she could possibly do to console her. And deep down Yaz knew she would never be able to understand her pain. She had told Rose it had been one thousand years since they last saw it each other, it only got her wondering: how many had there been before? How many years and how many other friends?

 

The Doctor hung limp in her arms, lightly nuzzling her nose in Yaz’s clavicle. Seeing the Doctor stay so motionless was already unnerving enough, but her not having the energy to return a hug was so unlike her it left a bad taste on Yaz’s mouth.

 

“I talked with it. The solitract.” her muffled words buzzed in Yaz’s skin.

 

“Is everything okay now, then?”

 

Silence.

 

Yaz reprimanded herself for the question. Sure, the situation was presumably fixed, but things were still _far_ from okay for the Doctor. She was visibly shaken, whatever she had seen in the mirror-world after they left had already made her cry enough. She decided not to prod on the subject.

 

They stayed in silence for a bit until the Doctor gently pushed back. She reached for the wall and slided down with her back, proceeding to sloppily sit on the floor. Yaz sat down next to her, their knees brushing against each other.

 

“Why didn’t anybody appear for you, Yaz?” Her voice was hoarse like her throat was refusing to speak, her tone sounded almost accusatory. Either way, it was a good sign that the Doctor wanted to talk about what had happened.

 

“I have only lost one person. My gramps.” the Doctor turned her head to directly look at her as she spoke. “But I guess I simply don’t wish he was back. At all, to be honest. He died of cancer, you know. He was suffering so much, in the end he… he was tired of living.”

 

Yaz still felt sad about it, of course she did. But bring him back to all of that pain and memory again? No, he didn’t deserve that.

 

“And look at selfish old me. One thousand years and I _can’t_ move on.”

 

Yasmin stayed silent, she knew at this point that trying to convince the Doctor would be pointless. She had learned that the Doctor needed this. Even though it was not exactly venting, the Doctor never simply spilled what was getting to her. But just to get to say her thoughts out loud to another person instead of a multiple dimension-travelling machine did some good.

 

“You know what I miss most? Saying their names out loud, after so long. I never… I never thought I was going to do that again.”

 

“It was worse around Rose, wasn’t it?”

 

The Doctor flinched at the mention of the name, her eyes closed and her forehead tensed up. Nevertheless, she still nodded silently.

 

“I had done something… _horrible_ , before meeting her. Traveling wasn’t fun anymore, it had become a duty for me. And she showed me how to have fun again, she reminded me of how good things turn out to be sometimes and… I finally allowed myself to feel happy again.”

 

She sniffed silently, nose scrunching and lips parting as she took a steadying breath. It was weird to have such a personal conversation with the Doctor like this. Neither one properly looking at each other, but really needing the other’s presence. And hearing about the Doctor’s past lovers also hadn’t been on her ‘to do’ list, but this seemed like a crucial point of her life. And she would be there for her, whenever she was needed.

 

“I loved her, Yaz… I had never loved a human being before, romantically. I didn’t think it was possible, honestly. But there she was.”

 

A smile shined through at the memory, but it disappeared in the next second as she continued:

 

“Five years we traveled together and we never got around to talking about it. I thought it was going to be like that forever, just me, the TARDIS and her… seeing the universe.” she lowered her head “I never even kissed her, Yaz. I had so many chances and I wasted all of them. You have no idea how much I regret it…”

 

And then came absolute silence again.

 

Yaz used her left arm to hold her sideways, trying to offer what physical support she could to her friend. The Doctor leaned into the touch and rested her head on Yaz’s chest. There were no tears, no sobs to try to stop, no panic to try and comfort. She was completely still. Empty and eyes closed.

 

They waited a bit, just holding each other until the Doctor was feeling ready to go back to her old self.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking if I should add more to this chapter, like describing it from the Doctor's point of view and making the conversation with the solitract longer. But it would contradict canon even more than it already does here.  
> Honestly, "it takes you away" was my favorite episode of this season, I don't feel very comfortable changing too much of it. So I'm leaving to your imagination how she said goodbye (again) to Rose and Amy and what made her cry so much before coming back ; )
> 
> I'm not sure if I'm getting too ooc with the Doctor as of now, I based her emotional response on 9 and 10
> 
> Hope it's enjoyable! (✿◠‿◠)ﾉ  
> For the next chapter, I am thinking of writing based on the episode "battle of ranskor av kolos" see you there!


	3. battle of ranaskoor

_Chapter Three_

 

The gravity in Ranskoor Av Kolos was one of the weirdest out of all the planets they had been on. At least so far. Thankfully, the weather was fairly nice considering it was a two hours walk from the ship to the place their devices were pointing to.

 

“Doc” Graham’s voice unexpectedly called from the back of the group. “Can I have a word? Just the two of us?”

 

She eyed him curiously before nodding. Ryan and Yaz seemed a little surprised at his request, but nevertheless they kept on walking. The Doctor greatly slowed her pace so the distance between them and the others would allow for more privacy.

 

“I need to be honest with you. I’m really grateful for all you’ve done for me, well for us, you know. Everywhere we’ve been, all the adventures, it’s been amazing.”

 

His eyes faltered a little bit under the Doctor’s strong gaze. His tone of voice obviously hinted there would be a drawback to his nice words, therefore she wasn’t the least surprised when he finally said it:

 

“But, if that is the same creature from Sheffield, we need to get rid of it. I know you have a pacifist stance, but look… it killed Grace and who knows how many others before and after that. We _have_ to stop it.”

 

It was inevitable, really. As much as the Doctor tried to prevent situations like these from happening, they all eventually found themselves stuck in the same horrible place: weapon in hand and panic filling their eyes. The Doctor really hoped this time it wouldn’t have to come to that. Or, even worse, finding herself behind the trigger.

 

“Listen Doc, I need to do this-”

 

“I don’t think you do. Go back to the TARDIS, Graham.”

 

“No.” He said silently after a brief pause.

 

The Doctor’s posture grew stiffer, her eyebrows lowered and a tense crease formed on her forehead. Still, she tried her best to emphasize the empathy in her voice:

 

“You’re better than this. You have to be. If you kill him, I can’t have you travel with me. That is if you even live.”

 

Graham was visibly upset at her disapproving tone, but he was not at all surprised. The Doctor had made it clear many times, violence only generated more violence. To get out of situations they used their arguments and quick-thinking.

 

Both of them had stopped walking completely now. From the weeks they had spent together, Graham had also learned not to argue with the Doctor. She always managed to come through.

 

Graham nodded twice, glancing the other way:

 

“I understand.”

 

“No, you don’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

 

Anger and frustration began to peek out of the Doctor’s manner, at the same time as Graham himself was starting to lose his temper.

 

“So you rather leave him free to go around and kill even more people?!”

 

“That is not the point, Graham. I couldn’t care less what happens to Tim Shaw. No, what worries me is the _reason_ you want to get rid of him. It’s for revenge, plain and simple revenge and nothing good ever comes out of _that_.”

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Graham regretted his choice of words as soon as they left his mouth. He turned to stare wide-eyed as the Doctor laughed at his response, uncomfortably close to a mocking tone.

 

But when she spoke again, it was in a low and quiet voice:

 

“Two thousand years and you think I never been in your place before, Graham? You honestly believe this is the first time I have to deal with a situation like this?”

 

For a second, the Doctor felt relieved Yaz and Ryan hadn’t been there to listen. Immediately after, guilt for her own selfish thoughts started to drill at her brain. She resisted the urge to sigh, choosing instead to raise her head high and quicken her pace.

 

* * *

 

"It’s targeting Earth! What are they doing to it?!”

 

The Doctor’s body froze, suddenly struck with realization and fear. For a second, Yaz panicked in silence, guessing the Doctor was ready to give up and they would be forced to watch their planet be destroyed.

 

Instead, the Doctor reached for her backpack, sliding it off her shoulder. Yaz watched as she untied the knots around the crystal shaped container and held it in her hands, face mere inches away from it.

 

“The same thing he did with these ones.”

 

Yaz stared blankly at her, not even pretending to have understood. The Doctor snapped her head to the right and turned her attention to the other four aligned objects in the room. Her eyes widened sending her eyebrows up, her hands started to tremble.

 

“What is it, Doctor?”

 

“Yaz… _These_ are planets. He compressed full planets inside these crystals.”  She blinked quickly and shook her head, trying to get rid of any other horrible realizations. Her hands turning the crystal around, still shaking visibly. “I-I attached two bombs to a whole planet.”

 

Yaz worried the Doctor was going to be sick right there, given by her panicked expression. She searched for the sonic screwdriver on one of her coat’s inside pockets and pointed it to the two cylindrical bombs. After some buzzing and a quick change of settings, the bombs were turned off and detached themselves from the crystal, dully dropping to the ground.

 

The Doctor allowed herself a few seconds to go over what had just happened before thoughts on the current situation quickly flooded her mind.

 

“Okay. First of all, we need to stop the Ux from doing the same to Earth.”

 

“Can’t we move them, like to physically stop the connection?”

 

“No, I don’t know how their minds function, it could damage them. Besides, it’s a duo-species. They are the only ones, we can’t risk getting them hurt.”

 

The Doctor began to pace around the room. When Yaz turned to look, she saw her friend skipping around, moving her arms back and forth like children often do and anxiously biting down at her lower lip. If this wasn’t such a desperate moment, Yaz might’ve chuckled at the sight.

 

“There must be a way. There’s always a way, we’re really clever… Us versus the Ux. Think…”

 

Her arms stopped mid-swing and she turned to look at Yaz, taking a few steps in her direction and lifting her hands up to gesticulate instead of the previous stimming:

 

“If they are psychically generating all of this, I could block their signals.”

 

She snapped her fingers and displayed a bright smile. Not a second later, they turned to stare at each other:

 

“The neural balancers!!” they both exclaimed at the same time.

 

The Doctor’s eyes lingered on Yaz’s for a little longer, their faces incredibly close. It was exhilarating for both of them to realize they actually had a real shot at setting things right.

 

It was only when the Doctor reached a hand to touch the metal piece on her temple that the consequences started to caught up with her brain. Yaz didn’t notice the slight change in her expression, she took a few steps back and pointed at the Ux:

 

“We can use it on Delph! I heard their conversation earlier, he didn’t want to do it.”

 

The Doctor nodded and took a deep steadying breath, eyes scanning the place for the hundredth time. She glanced at Yaz again, almost touched by how much relief and enthusiasm her smile transpired.

 

And, as most things in life, it wouldn’t last for much longer.

 

“Yaz, I’m going to need your help for this.” curious dark eyes turned to stare at her. “I’m really sorry but I’m gonna have to take mine off.”

 

“What do you mean? And why are you apologizing?” the smile was wearing off, getting significantly smaller with each heartbeat.

 

“Because this is not going to be pretty. I’ll also need you to take charge if I become, er, incapacitated.”

 

“I don’t understand… Does that mean you have a plan?”

 

“Sort of. I’m really trying but can’t really think of any alternatives at the moment. Just, listen, my species is relatively psychic, the planet atmosphere is going to have a much bigger effect on my mind compared to what we saw happen with Paltraki.”

 

Yaz instinctively reached for her own device attached to her temple. “I don’t understand why we can’t just remove mine then.”

 

“Can’t risk that.” The Doctor sent Yaz an exceptionally sad smile that disappeared as quickly as it was formed. “I’m going to try to help you for the longest I can handle, but you will need to focus. Once we block Delph’s signals, the energy should be insufficient to complete the process. Then, we have to find a way to send these planets back to their coordinates. The containers won’t hold forever.”

 

The Doctor pushed some buttons on her sonic screwdriver and lifted it up above her head when the tip lit up in orange light. Yaz could now hear the comforting wheezing sound the TARDIS made, progressively growing louder as it materialized on the room. The sound reverberated on the walls just as the Doctor continued:

 

“You wanted a plan, but I haven’t got that far yet. Just make sure we get on the TARDIS. We will all be safe there and hopefully we will have just enough time to return the planets before they break out of it themselves.”

 

It was Yaz’s turn to nod as her brain was completely drowning in panic. But one thing she had learned was that she could trust the Doctor.

 

“Right. You ready?”

 

“Does it make a difference if I say no?”

 

The Doctor humorlessly smirked at her response, some air puffed out of her mouth in nervousness for what was to come. She then closed her eyes and pulled the device from her temple. It made a metallic hiss as it came off and Yaz couldn’t help but cringe when the sound grinded at her ears. The Doctor sprinted in Delph’s direction, the younger and apparently more powerful out of the two Ux.

 

Yaz heard the same metallic hiss coming from their figures as the device made contact to Delph’s skin. The two anxiously watched his face, visibly relaxing when the glow in his eyes gradually dissipated.  At the same time as the other one, Andinio, had her eyes forcibly closed and finally the light and energy flow completely ceased.

 

“Yaz, can you take the containers to the TARDIS? I don’t really know how long this thing will take to work on him.”

 

Yaz carefully grabbed the crystal the Doctor had brought with herself and walked towards the blue box. One of the wooden doors politely swinged open for her to step inside.

 

“Hi! I’m the Doctor!” she breathed the words in a reassured sigh when Delph regained consciousness, awfully aware of how little time they had. “Big fan of you, Ux fellas. You two are pretty fantastic, thank you for existing. Now, I really need your help.”

 

Delph stared deeply at her after blinking a few times. He nodded, eyes still unfocused; the Doctor didn’t give him a chance to speak.

 

“These planets you were ordered to take will not hold out here for much longer, their mass and weight are going to collapse and you know what will happen to us if that happens. You also know deep down that this is morally wrong, that you and Andinio are being manipulated into brutality.” her utter disgust was evident in the last sentence. Her tone became more rushed. “So I just ask this, help us put things into place and _I promise_ I will do whatever I can to keep you two safe from that creature. But for now, we really need your help.”

 

A shout coming from their left got both of their attentions. They turned to see Yaz, sprawled on the floor, hands reaching out for the crystal-shape container. The light inside it flickered and some cracks started to become visible on its inner walls.

 

The Doctor ran in her direction, Delph followed suit.

 

“Yaz?? Are you okay?”

 

She nodded before taking a quick breath to answer. “It got really heavy all of a sudden and dragged me down with it. I think it’s not holding the planet inside properly anymore. What should we do?! There are still these two left.”

 

“Right. Do you have any control over these objects?” the Doctor directed her attention to Delph who was silently standing next to them, still a little dazed with the device on his temple.

 

“Of course. I was the one that created them.”

 

The Doctor nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but whatever it was didn’t manage to come through. Her face painfully grimaced and her body flinched, a hand instantly gripping her head. Her breath quickened, but thankfully not to the point of hyperventilating. She rubbed at both of her eyes before reopening them.

 

“Doctor, what’s wrong?” Yaz asked desperately.

 

“Headache. A really awful one.” she lifted her index finger up, interrupting Yaz’s protests before they could even begin. “No, I will not take your neural balancer, you keep that right where it is.” she turned to look at Delph once again, her finger now pointing to the TARDIS behind them “Now, my ship can take us to the planets’ original coordinates. I need to know if you can carry them inside and-”

 

The Doctor’s words hung in the air as her hands reached for her head once again, eyes closing and mouth twisting until a scream escaped her throat. Seeing the Doctor in such a degenerative state took away almost all of Yaz’s hopes along with it.

 

There was no time to react though as another terrible cracking noise made its way across the room, the other container also had its walls beginning to fracture. Yaz turned to Delph and as much as she wanted to help save the Doctor’s mind, she had to make sure everyone made it out alive first.

 

“What she was saying! Can you take them to the TARDIS?!”

 

Instead of answering, Delph quickly placed his hands on the crystal walls and some of the cracks reverted back in response to the temporary measure. He did the same to the other one and proceeded to carry them both in his arms with apparent ease.

 

Yaz watched as the Doctor stopped shuddering and opened her eyes. Her body seemed to not be in pain anymore but her breathing was still rough when she said, in alternating volumes:

 

“Stop. Stop it! Too many voices. Names. So many names.” her eyes turned to look at Yaz but she wasn’t truly _looking_ at her. As the Doctor become lost in her own brain, Yaz’s form was practically see-through. “Bill… Where’s Bill? Why does she keep coming to my lectures? She’s not a student, she’s different… I need to talk to her.”

 

“Doctor, I’m your friend Yaz.” at the mention of her name she shook her head, leaving her mouth hanging slightly open. The cloudiness in her eyes dispersed a little.

 

The Doctor struggled some words out of her mouth when she saw Delph stepping out of the TARDIS’ doors. A hand was still clutching at her head, the other was squeezing the side of her coat:

 

“Yes, yes, of course I know that. Can you wake Andinio out of that trance? To help us too?”

 

Delph’s tone was astonishingly calm when he answered, shaking his head:

 

“Not without taking the device off of me and putting it on her. The connection was not broken, only interrupted. And I would go into the state she is in now.”

 

“I don’t think she would want to help either, from what I heard earlier.” Yaz mentioned, sympathetic to his sad expression.

 

“I can’t fly it like this. If you really were the one to bring these planets here, Delph, you can take them back to-” She managed to get up from the floor as she spoke but, before she could reach the safety of her ship, her legs gave in and her knees painfully hit the hard floor.

 

Any coherent thought completely vanished from Yaz’s mind when she heard a shriek coming from the Doctor’s throat. She ran towards her and watched with dread as her friend’s body convulsed in itself. The Doctor’s head crashed into her open palms and she shouted again, much more painfully this time.

 

“Doctor!! What do we do?? How do we do we put the coordinates on the TARDIS?!?”

 

The Doctor looked completely out of it. She slowly lifted her head up and was now staring at her hands. Chest heaving up and down with effort:

 

“Time and relative dimension in space. It means life, science beyond magic! It is the gateway to everything that ever was or ever can be… It’s my home, it has been for a considerable number of years… Borrowing implies the intention to return the thing that was taken, but I was never going to give her back.” she locked eyes with Yaz for a few seconds, interrupting her own rambling. “What’s the point in having a mate with a time machine if you can’t nip back and see your gran when she were younger?”

 

Thoughts raced in Yaz’s mind a mile a minute and she breathed relieved at the hopeful sign that the Doctor had just given her. She was still there to help, ony not in control over what she said or did. The Doctor’s nonsensical sentences continued in the background but before Yaz could try to make sense of any of it, Delph asked:

 

“What is all that she is saying?”

“I honestly have no idea.” she tripped over her words “But that last thing she said. We’ve done something like this before, the-the TARDIS has a telepathic navigation system. I think she is telling us to use that.”

 

“With the dimensional engines… yes, makes sense. It might work…”

 

That was all the confirmation that Yaz needed from Delph. If his mind filled with thousands of years of experience was up for the risk, what did she have to lose? Of course, aside from her life, home planet and her three best friends?

 

“Come on then! Go to the console, see if you can find the right panel. She will probably help you, I don’t think the TARDIS wants to be crushed by five planets at the same time any more than we do.”

 

While Delph tried to sort out his way on the telepathic circuits, Yaz kneeled close to the Doctor. She laid a hand on her friend’s back, feeling her tense muscles flinch away.

 

Trying to talk with the Doctor right at that moment would only complicate things even more, so instead she settled on offering her hand. The Doctor accepted the assistance and got up to her feet. Yaz could still hear her muttering words under her breath but she ran along with her inside the ship.

 

Yaz turned her back to her and joined Delph. He was standing very still analyzing the console. A round metal section of the run-down panel had lifted up, peeking inside they could only recognize an orange glow blended with shades of blue. It had to be the telepathic circuits.

 

Yaz heard the wooden doors closing at the same time as Delph placed his left hand in the round breach.

 

The ship shook and they dematerialized along with it, traveling to the depths of space. An audible crack came from the crystals again, except that this time Delph was a little busy to patch it up and it only made Yaz’s heart beat faster than before.

 

The Doctor took a few weak steps and leaned with her shoulders on one of the pillars in the console room, holding herself up. She furrowed her brow and looked down at her hands.

 

“Doctor?!” Yaz turned to check on her and watched as she

 

“Doctor… When the Doctor was me. No. _Doctor_ . Who are you? Doctor who? That’s what I said. You may be a doctor, but I am _the_ Doctor. The definite article, you might say. I’m every kind of scientist.”

 

Yaz had heard the Doctor ramble more time than she could count but this time it sounded so different to Yaz’s ears, so foreign. It almost didn’t sound like her voice, like those were someone else’s words and not actually hers.

 

Ignoring the pain in her chest at the sight of her friend, she ran to the doors of the TARDIS and opened them. They were floating in middle of space, enveloped by millions of constellations and planets Yaz had never seen before.

 

“Are you sure this the right place?!”

 

“I’m sure.” Delph exclaimed before reaching for the first crystal. The orange glow in his eyes engulfed the container as it was thrown out of the TARDIS. Yaz heard it cutting the air above her head just in time as she ducked. In mid-air, the case disintegrated in energy and the planet expanded infinitely, throwing them all out of balance due to it’s renewed atmosphere and weight.

 

Yaz sighed relieved taking one last glance at the planet before closing the doors.

 

One down, four more to go.

 

Delph returned his hand to the console and the room shook more heavily this time.

 

The Doctor fell to the floor, her back against one of the orange pillars. Her head and arms were twitching, eyes blinking furiously.

 

Delph and Yaz continued their work as a team. He sent the telepathic information to the TARDIS, Yaz opened the doors as he sent them flying into space.

 _Finally_ after what felt like an eternity, the last planet had been returned to its exact place in the Universe, mere seconds after it had been dislocated. They both sighed in relief and Yaz suppressed the urge to smile at their victory after taking one last look at the Doctor. She had brought her legs close to her torso, curling inwards and hiding her face. Once they had left Ranaskoor Av Kolos, the atmosphere had definitely stopped messing with her brain. Yaz could only assume she was dealing with the aftermath of the emotional drain she had gone through during their time there.

 

Yaz carefully walked in Delph’s direction, his body was stiff and his hand still placed on the telepath circuits. Looking around the room, she thought back to Ryan and Graham, no idea if they were okay, if they had completed their part of the mission. She placed her hand on his shoulder, trying to borrow some of his stability and said:

 

“I think it’s time to go back. Thank you, Delph. For everything you did.”

 

He smiled shyly and the TARDIS traveled one last time, back to the awful planet. Yaz watched as his free hand curled around the metal device on his temple and pulled it off. The metallic hiss came again but was suppressed by the landing of the ship.

 

Yaz stood by his side motionless until he pushed the neural balancer onto her hand. She understood what he meant and smiled at him gratefully before he collapsed on the floor.

 

She raced for the Doctor and pushed the device on her head, where it belonged. Dreadful minutes passed and no response or reaction came.

 

The communication device on the TARDIS buzzed and Ryan’s voice came through:

 

“Doctor? Yaz? Anyone in there?”

 

“Ryan! Yes! Thank God you’re okay. Can you see where we are from your tracker?”

 

“Yeah, me and Graham are on our way.” the connection died and Yaz breathed out in relief for what felt like the twentieth time in the last hour.

 

A tug on her sleeve pulled her out of her thoughts and as she looked down she saw the Doctor’s hands curling around her jacket. Something told Yaz this time they were actually safe.

 

At least for now, but that was already enough.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (in my defence, I'm not british or a native english speaker so I have absolutely no idea how to write their accents properly)
> 
> But honestly though, this chapter is such a mess oh my god.  
> I'm still not happy with it but I couldn't stand seeing it lying around unfinished in my documents folder anymore, so I just decided to post it already. I reread it loads of times but I can't find what's wrong. I'll probably come back to it later and rewrite some parts like I did with chapters 1 and 2.
> 
> I didn't like how things were handled in this episode so I tried to change some stuff around. The premise was very good but the ending was very messy and not really satisfying, there were many things I tried to include here which is probably why it turned out so long hahaha.
> 
> The neural balancers ended up as a big let down for all of the whump/angst fans. My main idea was that as a 2000 year old, before forgetting who she was, the Doc would mix up everything that happened in her life. I tried to make 13's words jumbled but still recognizable since all of it was taken out from quotes I remembered from previous Doctors.
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think! Criticism is very welcomed, just be polite ok =D  
> For next chapter (whenever the hell that happens) I am thinking of writing a slower chapter. Also as an apology for writing 13 so full of sadness and suffering, there might be some fluff thrown in there.
> 
> That's all, thanks for reading and see ya (✿◠‿◠)ﾉ


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